Ach scheisse!
by Dark Knight Gafgar
Summary: What has been seen... cannot be unseen. Rating for language, sensitive themes, sexual references, alcohol/drug use and mind-searing mental images.
1. Mein Gott, was die Hölle ist mit euch?

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing that is not mine, and everything that IS mine. Capiche?

**WARNING! This story contains content not suitable for those with sanity. Please visit your local Elder God for treatment before reading.**

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The soldiers sang and danced, cheering loudly in celebration of the end of the battle, and Nanoha Takamachi couldn't help but feel herself being drawn into the festivities despite the cold, numbing sensation in her gut that came with the realization that she had utterly, _utterly_ screwed the pooch this time.

_'Well, Nanoha...'_ the voice of Hayate Yagami echoed in her mind, and Nanoha glanced over at where her longtime friend and commander was allowing herself to be swirled about by a dancing stormtrooper, the false and slightly manic smile plastered on her face somewhat but not completely covering up her expression of pure horror, though thankfully the men around them were mostly too busy - or drunk - to notice. _'I _told_ you your "Divine Buster first, ask questions later" policy was going to get us into trouble one day. Again.'_

_'Um...'_ Nanoha tried to raise an argument in her defense, then reluctantly admitted to herself that there wasn't all that much she could say to that effect right now.

"Die Straße frei, den braunen Bataillonen!" roared a small group of soldiers nearby, waving their helmets in the air, "Die Straße frei, dem Sturmabteilungsmann!"

_'...I... um. I messed up here, didn't I?'_

_'Nanoha, you changed the course of history.'_ Hayate glanced over at the still-steaming crater that had once been a major city. _'An entire planet's history. **Our** entire planet's history. We're lucky this is an alternate Earth, or...'_ She visibly shuddered, though the - now two - soldiers on either side of her were too busy themselves swaying back and forth while singing along to notice. _'Face it. **You fucked up this time.**'_

"Kam'raden, die Rotfront und Reaktion erschossen... Marschier'n im Geist, in uns'ren Reihen mit!"

_'I can fix this! Really! Just let me get Raising Heart and go find-'_

_'**No.** No, Nanoha, you're not going to go blow up anything else. Or any_one_ else. No more Starlight Breakers for you, not for a **long**__ time.'_

'Mou...'

"Kam'raden, die Rotfront und Reaktion erschossen! Marschier'n im Geist, in uns'ren Reihen mit!" the men leading the chorus concluded, suddenly snapping briskly to attention and throwing their right arms up in salute, an action Nanoha and Hayate were horrified to find themselves copying along with the assembly around them. "SIEG! HEIL!"

Fate Harlaown, fully caught up in the celebratory mood, wondered what exactly had her friends so spooked. Granted, changing history _was_ against TSAB regulations, and she was sure she wouldn't have liked the idea of messing around with Midchilda's history - even an alternate Midchilda's history - but the soldiers around them seemed like nice enough people- Fate felt herself being swept off her feet, and she had just a moment's glance of wild eyes, thin dark hair and an odd little mustache before she felt her mouth suddenly hosting a second tongue. Fate stiffened in shock for a moment, then relaxed, reasoning to herself that a drunken kiss from a total stranger was only _slightly_ worse than a drunken kiss from a friend and, thankfully, the stranger was a _much_ better kisser than Subaru. Or Hayate. Or Signum. Not quite as good as Nanoha, though...

Nanoha glanced at the crater that had once been Moscow, the German soldiers - a small knot of whom seemed to be clustered off near one of the panzers clapping and whistling in approval at something, though she couldn't quite tell what through the press of bodies - gathered around them celebrating their undoubtedly now imminent victory on the Eastern Front and the Second World War, and finally at Hayate once again with a sheepish expression.

_'Um. Oops?'_

_

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_

**Author's Note:** I hereby claim credit for writing the first Fate Testarossa/_Adolf Hitler_ pairing in existence (and if others exist, I don't want to know about them). Let's hope this one doesn't catch on.


	2. Die Entsetzen, die Entsetzen!

**Author's Note:** How creepy can I make this until someone hunts me down and kills me or I feel the inescapable urge to An Hero? Let's find out.

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"So Nanoha is your mom now, Vivio?"

Vivio nodded.

"I see. But, in a way, we'll be your parents too. We're your godparents, so it's our job to look after you _and_ your mom."

Vivio blinked at the three faces before her.

"...Nanoha-mama..."

Nanoha nodded, smiling.

Vivio turned towards the woman sitting beside her (first? scarier?) mother.

"...Fate-mama..."

"Mmhmm."

Vivio blinked again, turning towards the short, dark-haired man sitting next to Fate.

"...Adolf-papa?"

The man gave a short nod. "Ja, meine kleine, ich bin dein Vater."

Vivio blinked again, then smiled, wondering to herself why Papa had such an odd little mustache.﻿..


	3. Tohuwabohuritter

"No!" Nanoha stepped back, shaking her head fiercely. "Just... no, Hayate-chan. Not another word."

"But Nanoha! You know how important this is for them!"

"Please, Hayate-chan. There's been enough going on with Fate already..."

Hayate blinked at her. Twice. "...She's still dating Hitler?" Nanoha nodded. "And you haven't told her yet?"

"Well... how exactly am I supposed to break it to her? 'Oh hey Fate-chan, you know your fiancee-'"

"'FIANCEE'?" Hayate shrieked.

"Yeah, they got engaged last week - 'you know your fiancee is Earth's most infamous mass murderer, right, Fate-chan?' She has enough stress with what her mother is considered here on Midchilda!"

"But... didn't she hear at least _something_ about him while we were on Earth?"

"Come on, Hayate-chan! We both know Japanese schools never talk about that period unless they're ranting about the American A-Bombs!"

"Normally I'd get indignant just at the mention of those, but I guess we don't have much room to talk ourselves, huh?"

"Mmm..."

There was a long moment of silence, then Nanoha sighed.

"Look, Hayate-chan, it's not like I'm not happy for them or anything, but if Vita and Signum turn out to be dating even _more_ Nazis-"

"Oh! No, Nanoha, it's nothing like that, really!"

"...They aren't... _French_ or anythi-"

"_Oh God, no!_ You _know_ I'd never let them make a horrible mistake like that!"

"Then who-"

A titanic form suddenly burst from the second floor of Hayate's home, landing on the street outside mere feet away from them. Nanoha whirled, preparing to activate Raising Heart, and then froze as the figure stood up - and up, and up, _and up_ - standing half again her height and encased in heavy armor of crimson and bronze.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" the figure roared, waving what looked for all the world like a _chainsaw axe_ above his head.

"Skulls for the Skull Throne!" a second voice responded, and something in Nanoha's heart shriveled up and died as she spotted Vita - tiny little Vita - riding atop the giant's left shoulder, clad in her red barrier jacket and wielding Graf Eisen in one hand, the other grasping one horn of the giant's helmet and with a long tail of the man's gray-blue hair draped around her shoulders like an expensive fur.

"WHICH WAY TO THE SLAUGHTER?" the berzerker bellowed, glancing right and left and snorting like a wild boar.

"That way, Kharny!" Vita called, grinning as she gestured forward with Graf Eisen.

The two cackled maniacally, charging off through the wall of another house and disappearing from sight. A few moments later screams erupted in the distance, followed by laughter and an impossibly loud splattering sound.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Um... Hayate-chan..."

Nanoha's query was interrupted by another voice.

"Milk, eggs, but- Oh, good morning Nanoha."

Nanoha turned slowly, dreading what she might see, and then sighed in relief as she beheld Shamal by herself, smiling gently. "Hi, Shamal-san. How are you?"

"Just fine, thank you. About to go out to do the shopping now..."

"I see." Well, at least _that_ was perfectly normal-

"and then I'm going out to dinner with Ahriman-kun this evening. Oh! He's _so_ dreamy, with that _long_... staff of his... teehee!"

And then Shamal grew a pair of raven's wings and flew away, giggling to herself.

Nanoha's jaw hit the ground. It was still there when Zafira - in human form and fully wrapped in bandages like some sort of mummy or... _leper..._ - strode out of Hayate's front door, a pair of shapely _green-skinned women __**that appeared to be made entirely out of pus**_ under each arm. Zafira gave her a jaunty wave and a small grin as he passed by, ignoring the pair of fingers that fell from his rotting hand.

Her mouth moved for several moments, silently, trying to form words but failing. Nanoha was just on the verge of regaining her voice when the loud roar of a motorcycle sounded from down the street. She turned towards the noise purely by reflex, already wishing she could simply teleport away and drown her memories - or herself - in enough beer to KO Bavaria. Or rip out her own eyes. She was, in fact, beginning to reach up towards her face with her hands when the motorcycle - adorned with skulls and belching flame from it's exhausts - roared into view, a titanic man in dark grey and _pink_ armor whose head was a _flaming skull_ riding up front, Signum - dressed in a skintight bodysuit that Nanoha would've recognized as the clothing the Wolkenritter had once worn when first summoned by Hayate if she'd ever seen it - pressed firmly against his back, eyes bleary and unfocused and grinning - grinning... _Signum..._ _**GRINNING**_ - wide enough for Nanoha to clearly see her gleaming, white... razor-sharp... pointed... teeth.

"I DO COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!" the skull-headed man roared in Nanoha's face with enough force that her sidetail blew backwards, perfectly horizontal for a long moment. Signum leaned back and whooped in response, the skintight nature of her clothing giving Nanoha a perfect view of _two_ pairs of large, rounded breasts, and a sizable _**bulge**_ at the front of her shorts.

And then they were off again, zooming away into the distance at such a speed they left after-images and a trail of flame in their wake.

Nanoha was completely, perfectly stone still.

"Nanoha?" Hayate asked from behind her, concerned. "Nanoha? Are you alright? ...Are you... _crying_?"

_"What has been seen."_ the Ace of Aces' voice was flat, dead. _"Cannot be unseen."_

"Huh? What do you me-EEEK! H-Horus! Stop! Not in publiiAAAAAHN~!"

There was a sort of snapping sound. The wail of a tormented soul breathing it's last. Nanoha did not turn around to look. Instead, she lifted one hand to Raising Heart and wordlessly activated it's Excellion mode - minus the barrier jacket, remaining solely in her civilian clothing.

"Raising Heart..."

Nothing more needed to be said.

_**"Understood, my master."**_ The staff began to gather energy, even as Nanoha raised it's business end to her own face. _**"Starlight Breaker - An Hero Plus in ten, nine, eight..."**_


	4. Verdammt!

**Author's Note:** I'll say right now that I can't be completely blamed for this one. Blame 4chan.

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"All other options have been exhausted. You, Nanoha Takamachi, are our last hope! The safety of all mankind rests in your hands... Now, blast off and Befriend the evil Bydo Empire!"


	5. Eine Einzelne Rot Flügel

"I'm home!" Vivio Takamachi called out as she returned from school, slipping off her shoes and closing the door behind her. Almost instantly a warm, writhing mass encircled her legs, and the reincarnated _Sankt Kaiser_ of Belka smiled down at her pet.

"Shogo! Have you been a good boy for mommy while I've been gone?"

_"**Tekkeli-li!**"_

Vivio patted the unspeakable horror at her feet, causing it to trill happily and slurp off towards the back yard, probably hoping to find some penguins to eat. Not that he was likely to find any in a Midchildan suburbia, of course, but it was probably better to let him roam the house dreaming than not.

Vivio poked her head into the living room as she made her way towards the staircase to her room on the second floor, spying her mother sitting quietly on the sofa staring at the blank screen of the TV. "Hi, Nanoha-mama. I'm home."

The older Takamachi made no reply. Vivio sighed. Nanoha-mama simply hadn't been the same ever since auntie Fate, auntie Hayate and the Wolkenritter had all gone and gotten married a few months ago. She'd become very withdrawn since then, a trend that had continued after some secretive mission she'd been assigned to last month and had only become more pronounced ever since Vivio had found and adopted Shogo a few weeks before.

_'It's not like Nanoha-mama to be so depressed.'_ Vivio thought, remembering the weeks immediately after their battle aboard the Saint's Cradle when her mother had managed to remain upbeat and energetic despite having temporarily lost access to her magic and been confined to a wheelchair. _'Auntie Hayate mentioned mama needed a good railing, but why would fixing up the balcony make mama feel better...?'_

Vivio suddenly leaped back, dodging a wild strike from the floor above that smashed through the ceiling in a shower of plaster and dust and had nearly taken her head off. Sacred Heart and _Siegerkranz_ both glinted, ready to activate as the dust settled.

"GODDAMMIT, LARRY!" her attacker roared, "WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?"

Vivio grinned in recognition even as Sacred Heart shifted her body into her adult Kaiser form, ancient _Siegerkranz_ manifesting as a golden crown upon her brow and a single red wing at her back.

"Ixy!", Vivio's grin turned savage for a moment, her voice and expression shifting shifting for just a moment, becoming older, wiser, and the barest bit more masculine. "Yo, buddy. Still alive?"

"IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE IRONIC, SOLO WING?" Ixpellia snarled, stomping forward, her face dark with rage as she jabbed her finger into Vivio's face.

Vivio merely shrugged in response. "Kinda, yeah."

"PIXY."

"Yeah, Cipher?"

"WHY. ARE. WE. GIRLS. NOW?"

Vivio laughed. "I suppose you could blame it on a misfortune of our births!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS!" The Demon Lord of Ustio bellowed, orbs of energy shimmering into existence in her hands. The King of Belka laughed in response, _Siegerkranz_ summoning the blade _Joyeuse_ to her hands with a flash of rainbow light.

"FIRE AWAY, COWARD!"

Well, at least this way they'd have an excuse to replace the balcony...


	6. Keine Zeit zu Erklären!

Nanoha stopped and blinked, Alisa and Suzuka coming to a halt flanking her as the three stared at the woman in white who had suddenly appeared before them.

The woman was, Nanoha had to admit, rather pretty looking, though she supposed at least part of that had to be that the woman resembled her mother - and herself - a great deal. The woman was wearing a long white dress, trimmed in blue, with a red bow in the center and black fingerless gloves on her hands. Her brown hair bound in twintails by a pair of white ribbons, and her eyes were the same shade of blue as her own. Her hands were grasping a long white staff, golden prongs enclosing a large red gem at the end.

It was, really, a lot like looking into a magical mirror, and seeing herself as she'd always wanted to be.

The woman walked towards her, face set in a determined expression.

"Can I help you?" Nanoha asked. The woman paused, giving a halting, nervous smile.

"I'm... well, this is awkward. I'm you from the future."

Nanoha blinked in surprise, Suzuka gasping behind her and Alisa muttering something unpleasant. The older woman gave a short, nervous laugh, stepping forward. "Um. I... kind of need your help. There's no time to explain-"

A loud roar from further down the path interrupted the woman, who spun around as a large white beast burst out of the treeline, red eyes gleaming as it rushed towards them. The woman turned towards them, panic written on her face.

"RUN! I'll try to hold-"

The woman didn't get any further. The creature skidded to a halt in the distance, one of it's large, floppy ears suddenly lifting and forming into a sharpened spear, which rocketed forward at a ludicrous speed. The woman turned towards the attack, raising her staff.

"PROTE-"

There was a ripping sound, and something warm splashed on Nanoha's face. Her hand reflexively wiped at it, coming away glistening with red blood, as she finally comprehended what had just happened.

The woman spasmed, staff falling from her limp hands, the creature's ear piercing her through the chest. The creature trilled cutely, the sound clashing with the woman's horrible, agonized scream as the creature lifted her body up in the air, turned, and fled down the path.

Nanoha could, for a moment, only watch in stunned horror. She heard Suzuka fall to the ground sobbing and wretching behind her, Alisa screaming sudden pleas for help. The staff on the ground before her flashed, and drawn by a sudden, strange instinct, Nanoha stepped forward, bent down, and picked it up.

It was like a switch had been flipped. In that instant, Nanoha knew what she had to do.

Grasping Raising Heart in both hands, and hardly noticing as her school uniform melted away in a flash of pink light, Nanoha flew forwards in pursuit of the monster and her future self.


	7. Wie der Flughafen Feuer wirklich gestart

Signum loaded a cartridge into Laevateinn and glanced backwards at the rest of the Wolkenritter, pulling her ski mask on as the elevator doors opened.

"Remember - no Belkan."


End file.
